Even staring at him hurts.

:""

Hidup ini kadang gak adil. Kadang kita gak selalu mendapatkan apa yang kita inginkan. Kadang apa yang kita harapkan berbanding terbalik sama kenyataan. Sampai kadang, kita berharap untuk lari dari kenyataan dan pergi ke tempat, di mana semua berjalan seperti apa yang kita inginkan.
Aku pernah ada di titik itu. Aku pernah rasanya ingin pergi, jauh. Aku pernah ingin sembunyi di balik selimutku, atau di belakang pintu kamarku. Aku pernah rasanya ingin menyembunyikan wajahku di balik semua tatapan orang lain.
Aku pernah berpura-pura baik-baik saja. Berpura-pura tersenyum seakan tak ada yang terjadi. Berpura-pura tertawa seakan tak ada yang salah. Berpura-pura bicara, "Iya, tidak apa-apa kok" di saat orang lain ternyata mengecewakan.
Tapi rasanya, kali ini susah untuk menolak itu semua. Susah untuk membohongi diri, susah untuk mengingkari hati. Susah untuk mengucap kata yang tak direstui batin. Susah untuk membuat senyum yang tak direstui wajah. Lebih mudah mengeluarkan itu semua, mengeluarkan semua perasaan tak bahagia. Melalui bulir-bulir yang jatuh ini, yang kemudian membasahi pipi.
Crying won't help. Crying won't change.
But it will bring relief.
:")

Berandai

Malam Senin ya.

Bukankah harusnya malam ini diisi dengan belajar, berberes, mengulang kembali semua yang didapat di sekolah, atau sekedar mempersiapkan diri untuk menghadapi esok?
Andai aku dapat melakukan semuanya.

Entah kenapa, aku ingin kembali ke dunia ini sejenak. Aku belum siap menghadapi dunia nyata lagi. Sesak rasanya, penuh, seperti dihimpit dalam bis pada jam pulang kantor, yang sesak karena puluhan orang yang tidak ingin mengalah. Dihimpit kanan, dihimpit kiri. Didesak depan maupun belakang. Panas, gerah. Aku tidak suka. Aku tidak nyaman.

Masuk ke dunia kata, rasanya seperti penyegaran dan pencerahan. Seperti jalan-jalan sore di sebuah taman sejuk, dibisiki pelan oleh angin yang lembut dan digoda oleh rumput yang halus. Seperti masuk ke dalam air dan mengetahui bahwa kamu bisa bernafas leluasa di dalamnya. Seperti bermimpi indah, saking indahnya sampai terus ingin terpejam. Rasanya seperti tidak ingin pergi kan?
Yah, aku juga seperti itu.

Aku tidak ingin pergi dulu, untuk sejenak ini. Berat rasanya untuk melangkah, walau hanya satu hentakan tipis. Goyah rasanya kaki ini, susah menapak. Ragu untuk mengambil jalan, takut untuk memilih tujuan.

Jadi, sekarang harus ke mana?

Andai hidup ini punya peta. Andai aku tahu harus kemana melangkah, harus bagaimana bertingkah. Andai dunia nyata tidak sekejam yang ada. Andai...ah.

Terlalu banyak andai di kepala.

:)

harus apa sekarang? entah, tak ada tujuan, tak ada kewajiban.

harus kemana sekarang? entah, tak ada tambatan, tak ada pijakan.

harus bersama siapa sekarang? entah, tak ada bahu bersandar, tak ada batang penyangga. 

Rainy Monday

Hujan sore ini seolah menumpahkan segala pikiranku. Segala kerinduan, segala harapan, segala keinginan yang belum pula terjamahi.

Entah ini hanya aku, tapi aku merasa hujan ini datang untukku. Seolah ia mengerti apa yang kudamba. Suasana tenang seperti ini, suara yang pelan namun konstan, seolah bertempo dengan dinamika sempurna.

Aku duduk di sisi jendela mobil, memandang ke langit yang makin lama makin kelabu. Seperti naluri, rasanya aku ingin menjulurkan tanganku ke luar, merasakan tetes-tetes air menjalari telapak tanganku.

EH TIBA TIBA ABIS NULIS GINIAN AKU KEPELESET. :)

Jadi, harus disyukuri atau disesali hujan kali ini? 

I just.....hm.

Hi.

Honestly I'm really tired.

I'm tired of trying soooo hard and thinking that I've done my best but it still wasn't good enough.

I'm tired of staying awake at nights, thinking what would happen tomorrow if I fail (again) and what should I do to fix it.

I'm tired of doing something that I'm not good at, and thinking that I should quit but the problem isn't as simple as it seems.

I'm tired of many times saying "I wanna runaway" but knowing that I really couldn't. 

I'm tired of waiting for miracle to come after me and make my life as simple as it used to be.

And the truth is, I know that I shouldn't overthink about all these things but I just can't help myself.

I just need someone, to talk to. Anyone. I miss having a reaaaaal best friend beside me, doing the same thing together.

I guess I'll be back again, writing, posting, publishing. I know I'll never get tired of this. And I hope you (yeah, whoever read this) won't be bothered to read the same thing all over again. 

Sincerely,

L

Seolah alam pun mengiyakan, angin membawa pergi kenanganmu, kenanganku. Kenangan kita.

getting out from my comfort zone

so I just figured out that this week..I just got out from my comfort zone!

Instead of being home, in front of my laptop, singing around (this won't guarantee my voice is as good as tay), sleeping (cause my eyes are always teary), looking for books to read (but ended up reading the same book over and over again), and overall just being an unproductive girl, yesterday I went into a journey where I found my non-comfort zone.

Yes, it's Friday and we're supposed to be on holiday, but there's an important assignments so I had to go to school. I woke up feeling super tired (bcs I came home late at night) and super dizzy, I put on my usual clothes (I didn't think of what I wear tbh) (because you know my score on fashion. yup. ze-ro.) and went off around 6 am. did I tell you that I went off with 40% battery on my iPhone? no? okay I just did. notice it because it's important.

I got (kinda) bored at school waiting for my friends to come, so I (stupidly) decided to use my iPhone for browsing, twittering, chatting, aaand other internet stuffs that made the battery fully drown. & when I was about to go home, my iPhone's battery was 10%. (I know, I blame myself for that). and all of the sudden.....surprisingly...my friends were talking about the-most-happening-movie-this-week, The Conjuring, and like "hey why don't we go watch it now?"

at first, I was like, "oh yea! why not! i really gonna enjoy the movie (because I was wondering about that too) and then I was craving for a tour around this area (since I've only been here for about 2 weeks)" but then I stare at my phone and like.. "oh.my.god.i'm.so.dead. how can i survive.." well but then I thought if I go home now, I'll be like the girl I describe at the top. 

and then I called my mom and I decided to go.

the journey began! from school, we ride bajaj. it was my first time travelling by bajaj (ohhkay even tho it's not my first time, i've never travelled by bajaj for a loooong time then). we went to Kota Kasablanka. the driver was cool. he drove his bajaj against the route. so we didn't have to waste our time on turning on the U-turn.
it wasn't so far, from school to Kota Kasablanka. but it was the traffic that waste the time. it took almost half an hour.
we finally arrived! yey! i payed him, the bajaj driver, and then we walked into the entrance.
it was about 10am. the shops aren't open AND we're fasting too. fortunately, Keke, one of my friend, is having her period. so she bought a drink so we can sit for a while.

After talking & chattering & taking pictures (it's a must), we finally went to the cinema and bought tickets. The movie starts at 12:30 pm so we looked around the shop around the cinema.

I walked into a store, and then there was "I knew you were trouble when you walked in~" playing on the radio. I stopped and I was like... "Ooookay...what did I do?" 

Nevermind that little interruption.

So I finally bought a pencilcase, and an earphone plug. It was super cute! I ended up buying the one with little camera instead of guitar. But the thing is... I lost it already. Huuu. Boo me :"(

Oh! And we met a few friends of our school when we came back to the cinema. We watched the same movie. 

I got sitted in the back row, A11.

Strange how it reminds me of...

NEVERMIND.

The movie was double triple wizzle creeewwwpy and I screamed a little. But I got my hands cover my mouth and my eyes all the time so my screaming was not as loud as you imagine.

Well it started kinda cliché, with new house, new rooms, and stuffs. You know....sooo many horror/thriller movies start with that setting. The 2 main role was also similar to the previous directed movie, Insidious. So it was never a surprise for me to know the end of the story. Classical. The experts can handle it tho they was overwhelmed at the first time. Then the house was either safe or still haunted (but the family moved). The ending was not really impressive also. So I think this movie is average, based on the role and the line. But I should raise my two thumbs for the sound effect & the part that made me scream.

Okay. So this is the part when we go home.

We left Kota Kasablanka at 3pm and took a bajaj (again) to the busway stop. Wait...busway stop? Yea whatever that thing called.

Since it's my first time taking busway...(or transjakarta) I don't really know about the route and the procedure. At first it was buying ticket (it's only Rp 3.500) and then we waited for the transjakarta to arrive. I've waited so long and finally I GOT INTO THE BUS!! It was really nice and yes, I can tell that Jakarta already had a proper transportation. What I hate so much is the waiting part. And after taking 2 buses, it was almost 5pm and the traffic was really bad sooo we decided to bought a drink (in case we have to break our fast on our way home) and took a taxi. 

So that day I went into my first time experience of taking bajaj and transjakarta.

I was exhausted when I got home and my mom never stopped asking me (because I told her before I won't be home late). But it was all payed off. I had the best time of my life as a citizen (finally I felt like one). And I realize that I just went out from my comfort zone. :)

That's it for this post. See ya!