20:02

Ingin rasanya berkata
Tapi tak menguasa

Apa yang harus dikata?

Tak ada suara

Ingin rasanya bertanya

Tapi tak berjawab

Apa yang harus ditanya?

Tak ada rahasia

Ingin rasanya berlari

Tapi tak bertenaga

Harus lari kemana?

Tak ada tempat berduka

"Suhuf," that's what they said.

3/9/2014

CURRENTs

Hey there! Happy eid mubarak, fellas. May Allah's blessings be with you today & always.

I'm currently bored. So I'm thinking that I could write my current thoughts as I've done much earlier before. 

As example, as simple as:

Current Activity

= i am currently lying on my bed. I'm thinking and my hands translate it through words by typing on my Blogger app. My brothers and my cousins are beside me. My brother's right foot is on my right foot and he's playing with his handphone (and he just moved his foot few secs ago). My cousins are playing UNO. 

Current Thoughts

= I'm thinking of another holiday. I'm thinking about money. If I had enough money, then I would be traveling through places, learn many things. The first thing I'd like to bring with me is a camera. (and so on)

Current Favorites

-Music

On my playlists: there is, Canis. Well their album has been on my playlist since months ago but still, I love it. Then, Kings of Convenience. Their amazing plays with guitars always drive me to sleep. And, Tulus. My favorite man. Well there's so much more & I think I can't describe it one by one. Such as: Us The Duo, Janitra Satriani (find him on soundcloud!), Daniela Andrade, Adhitia Sofyan. 

-Books

I found myself too busy and became not really interested with books anymore. But the books on my mind is Ingo by Helen Dunmore, Amy & Matthew by Cammie M'Groven.

Current things-I-wish-I-could-buy

SCENTED CANDLES!!!!!!!!

Another lamps for my room. I want that one with big balloons like lanterns or something.

Instax 90s. Definitely. I mentioned about traveling with camera before, and this baby is the one that I thought about. The second thing: acoustic guitar. I haven't buy strings for the old one, and I think that bud is too small & sadly not interesting.

Current things-I-wish-I-could-do

Traveling. Obviously. The other things to do are probably: writing, swinging (like playground-swinging), shopping (alone, I prefer).

Current things-I-wish-I-could-change

My eating routine.

Well I think I'm done cause I have nothing left in my brain??? Alright then thank u for reading this meaningless post, SEE YA!

A journal

8/7/13

Hi there.

It's 6:36 AM here, and i'm currently on the way to Madrid by bus. I know I should probably sleeping because I haven't slept the other night. But I just can't because I just feel like writing. Haha.

Here's a little story for you guys to read, if you want.

So I'm currently having a trip to Spain, attending the Jornadas Folcloricas Nazarenas of Dos Hermanas in Seville, and going to Madrid for tour afterward. I've practiced playing traditional music instruments, which is saron and gendang. Some of my friends are dancers and others are musicians like me. I've practiced for 3 months with professional and talented trainers. The trainer who came to Spain with us is Kak Ammar, a music trainer. We will perform 7 traditional dance: Nandak, Tokecang, Piring, Tifa, Tortor, Kalimantan, and Saman. The dancers are divided into two groups but for Saman, both groups are dancers.

My school has attended this program & many other festivals before. Those who want to join have to sign up and practice twice a week. One last week before the trip, we practice everyday to polish our performance.

So that's behind this story. Me & my friends & our teacher, Bu Cut & Kak Ammar finally arrived at Spain on 2nd of July. After going for a 13 hours flight, we then go by bus to Dos Hermanas where we stay and perform for the festival. The road trip took 6-7 hours. That's a really long time and I currently fasting. But I made it through the breakfasting, thank God haha.

The first day we arrived, we unpack our things and music instruments we bring. The place we stay was some kind of Kindergarten and Primary school.

There are other countries that participate in this festival: Spain, Colombia, and Macedonia.

First show for us is some kind of Parade. We went into the central of the city and walked through streets and shops. People are taking pictures and looking at us. That was the first moment we met Macedonia. The group was nice and we take many photos there. Then they formed a circle and danced, and invited us into the circle. The musicians were very good because they were big groups and they have lots of instruments such as tamburin, guitar, and some kind of gendang. I didn't know the name of those instruments for sure.

During the parade, we saw Colombia. Their 'wow-factor' was maybe their costumes because it looked like a circus costume. 

After the parade, we performed on a small stage. But it wasn't done very well because we haven't practice it for a long time. We only practice it few hours before the parade.

The second day was a 15 minutes show. We performed Nandak and Tokecang. I think this is the best stage during the festival. It was very beautiful and big, many crowd, and very great soundsystem. It was in the middle of the park that used to be an old CaCO3 (Calsium carbonate) mine. 

In this performance, I messed up a little during the music solo. Because I was really nervous of the crowd and I was panic. (besides it's 1st show on stage!!!!)

The third day was a day off. We went to the central of the city to go shopping and touring with other countries too.

We became close with Colombia because we walked together through the streets and went to some stores together. My feet hurts but it was worth it. I bought some souvenirs for my family & friends. At night, there was a gathering, with games and stuffs. It was so fun and entertaining.

The fourth day & the fifth day was a 45 minutes show. Heavy. We performed almost all the dance. This time, no soundsystem and not a really big crowd. So I lost my nerve and I became capable of enjoying my music. I even take pictures with some kids there.

And now, is the 6th day. Its 8th of July and we've finished the festival. After performed, there was some kind of gathering or a farewell party for us. Because the festival is over and the groups will go separate ways. Colombia will go to other country to perform (again), and Macedonia will leave to other city in Spain to perform (again). In this farewell party, well there were so many special things. First, we give away our music instruments which we already signed to other people in other country. I gave my gendang to Antonio, a 13-years-old cute kid and to Yane, a 15-years-old Macedonia group. We also gave one gendang for Alejandro and Veronica, our guide. The dancers also give their dance properties such as piring, tifa, and bakul. The last, other people really love our jacket. They want it so bad they wanna beg. At first I don't feel like giving it because I like it very much, besides I still can wear it to school. But one of the Spain group came to me and gave me his jacket. In return, I gave him mine. 

In this farewell party, I became close to Macedonia. It all started when I gave souvenirs. We talked much and I found them so interesting. We share our languages & traditions. I found out that they're all professional dancers and musicians because they were practicing for years. The girl I talked to, Nichda has danced for 15 years. Yane has played music for 3 years. They are true professionals and they were shocked when they found out that we practiced just for 3 months. We've talked until 2 am in the morning and then we went back to our room to finish packing. I can't believe how short time has went. I hugged everyone and felt like it was really heavy to say goodbye.

I regret every little things I didn't do. I regret that I didn't talk to them from the beginning, that I didn't have courage to start introduce myself to them. I regret that I didn't play well in the shows. I regret that I spent my time for taking a nap instead of go out and blend in with the others.

I learned many things on this trip. So much that I can't describe how precious this opportunity was. Well, practice makes perfect and experience leads us to the forward. I decided that starting now, I have to take risks on every opportunity I have. To be more valuable with my time. And to be more brave to know and talk to strangers. 

Maybe this story was just another blablabla to you. But trust me, you HAVE to learn from this story. Or you'll end up regretting, like I do. 

Adios!

-L

Kau yang di belahan dunia sana,

Seolah kesunyian menambah jengkal jarak

Seolah kesepian menambah ruang hampa 

Seolah kamu di ujung sana,

Dan aku di ujung lainnya.

Kau yang sedang dibalut dinginnya malam,

Seolah terang bulan membantu kelopakmu tertutup

Dan mengantarmu ke dunia indah,

Di mana keinginan berada

Kau yang lama sudah tak kukenal,

Seolah pudar dihapus air mata

Seolah lenyap ditelan kenyataan

Dan seolah terbang dibawa kebahagiaan

Kau yang akhirnya meraih angan, 

Seolah burung yang akhirnya dapat mengepakkan sayap,

Seolah anak kecil yang akhirnya dapat berjalan,

Pergi menambah jarak dan ruang

16.

Ketika

Ketika tak ada lagi kata yang didengarkan,
Ketika tak ada lagi kata yang bahkan ingin diucap

Ketika tak ada lagi harapan untuk tersenyum,
Ketika tak ada lagi penyembuh dari rengut

Ketika hanya kenangan yang terlintas,
kenangan akan manisnya waktu dan pahitnya kenyataan

Siapa sih yang nyiptain perasaan?

2:24 AM and yes I'm writing

Ini bukan masalah orangnya, aku tak peduli siapapun dia.

Ini bukan masalah cemburu, atau apapun yang berkaitan dengan cinta.

Tetapi ini mengenai kenyamanan. Yang datang setiap ada, dan dapat pergi begitu saja.

Yang sakit bukan melihat atau merelakan dia pergi,

tetapi menyadari bahwa kenyamanan yang selama ini dirasa,

harus direnggut begitu saja.

Takut

Aku hanya terlalu takut, itu saja.

Takut untuk percaya, 

takut untuk terpana, 

takut untuk terjatuh, 

untuk kesekian kalinya

Takut untuk menghadapi kenyataan, 

takut untuk membuka kesempatan, 

takut untuk menjalani kehidupan.

Takut akan kecewa, takut akan mengecewakan

dan dikecewakan.

Tapi entah, semua hilang bersamamu

Lenyap dan pudar dibawa angin dan tawa merdu

Seolah dihisap oleh mesin penyedot debu 

Yang tak pernah melewatkan pun sebersit abu.

Seinstan itu.

Secepat itu. 

Semudah itu.

Tak heran mengapa selalu inginku mendengar suara, 

atau melihat rupa, 

bahkan sekedar membaca kata. 

Tapi mengapa tak pernah terlintas di pikiranku,

tak pernah sekalipun muncul setitik rasa?

Mengapa tak pernah terpikir olehku,

tak pernah sekalipun mengidam cinta?

Mungkin aku hanya terlalu takut,

itu saja.

Having my skills back (hooray!)

It's weird and awkward how you met someone who used to be so close to you, how you looked at his/her eyes and found that you were looking at some stranger that you don't even know.
It's weird how things could change so fast, and how our mindsets could turn into the opposite of we used to be. I found it normal, but excitingly overwhelming.

That was just a thing that came to my mind on this fine evening. Well I now I'm gonna write about inspiration.
These days I've been searching and searching for someone or some thing that would give me something to write about (well as you can see recently I posted 2 posts but the truth is, the 2 of them were in my unpublished posts and I found it good enough to post hehe). I realised that I couldn't write. I didn't even know how to. I didn't even know what to begin and my mind didn't seem to help me either. Well this is a bad thing for me because I used to have so much things to wrote that I even forgot to because there's too many and I can't always instantly write that down.
I tried to write but I found my writing uninteresting and super duper boring and cliche thing and puff! I deleted it. I started feel like "wow my writing skills just decreased" and I felt like "hm what am I gonna do next"...
So after few days of floating (my mind felt like floating somehow), now I found the answer. The answer is, I don't need a big idea or a big inspiration like an invention or something. When I write, I just write. Even I don't really sure what is exactly I'm typing right now. But I guess when we write, our brains started to work and find any words that would make a meaning. I mean, our brain will start to figure out what the next word would be, and the next word after that, and the next after that, and so on.

If maybe this thing didn't work out for you (well it didn't work out for me before either), try to do something different in your life. Example: I'm currently writing with all my lights off, no sun and no light source. And I just came back from a walk, a refreshing one.
Maybe if you felt the same way as I was before, if you couldn't write anything or felt like your writing skills just decreased OR any other things that maybe similar....
You should take a walk.
Take your time.
Take a breath.
Just give some time for your brain to rest and feel a happy mood.
Then you came back and turn the lights off and start to write.

Ok then, bye!
well maybe you shouldn't turn the lights off. Cause now I feel kinda scared.
xx

Aku Ingat.

Aku mengingatnya.

Aku mengingat tubuh besar dan langkah kakinya.

Aku mengingat bagaimana aku tidak menyadari tinggi badannya yang terus bertambah.

Aku mengingat setiap nada yang ia mainkan saat jam istirahat.

Aku mengingat setiap petikan oleh jari-jarinya yang gemetar di atas senar yang melintang.

Aku mengingat jari-jari yang seakan menari di atas piano hitam-putih.

Aku mengingat setiap pejaman sebelah matanya menjelang akhir lagu yang ia mainkan.

Aku mengingat senyumnya yang hangat, setiap aku datang meminta bantuan.

Aku mengingat tawanya yang gembira, diikuti matanya yang menyipit, setiap ada hal konyol.

Aku mengingat wajah seriusnya di saat ia berpikir.

Aku mengingat bagaimana ia selalu membuatku tersenyum di setiap kehadirannya.

Aku mengingat perkataannya yang membuatku tertawa.

Aku mengingat cerita-cerita sedihnya yang membuatku terdiam.

Aku mengingat matanya yang seringkali melongo, melamun ke samping,

Aku mengingat bagaimana aku selalu bertanya-tanya, apa yang sedang ia pikirkan.

Aku mengingat sepasang sepatu putihnya, yang selalu ia pakai.

Aku mengingat bagaimana sepatu itu berubah usang setiap harinya.

Dan aku mengingat bagaimana aku benci melihatnya memakai sepatu lain.

Dan kemudian, aku mengingat bagaimana akhirnya sepatu itu digantikan juga.

Tapi aku juga mengingat seberapa patah hatinya.

Seberapa lama ia menunggu untuk orang itu,

Seberapa lama ia pendam perasaannya,

Seberapa lama ia sembunyikan itu semua,

Seberapa lama ia tersenyum untuk menutupinya.

Atau kemudian, seiring waktu berjalan,

Aku mengingat seberapa lama mereka tertawa bersama,

Seberapa lama senyum aslinya bertahan,

Seberapa lama semuanya terasa indah,

Dan seberapa cepat waktu merenggut itu semua.

Aku tidak peduli kapan kisah ini akan berakhir,

Aku pun tidak tahu bagaimana kisah ini berawal.

Aku tidak akan membiarkan ia tahu,

Aku tidak akan pula melakukan apa-apa.

Jika ada orang yang bertanya,

Jika datang waktunya padaku untuk menjawab,

Aku akan menjawab,

“Aku mengingatnya.”

Oh, just my thought(s).

So tonight went really thoughtful.
I was calling my friend and feeling happy since, but then, one of my friend greeted me and ask me what to do. He had this problem of moving on (while I also had it). My playlist shuffled into What Now by Rihanna.
The lyrics made me realize that there are times in life when you just feel down, depressed, and there's too many problems surrounding your messy head full of questions. Life just knocked you down like you're a piece of crumbled paper on the street, stepped by many-many people walking. But you can't do anything. You can't move, can't go out.
It's like you don't know what to do. And you keep saying, "What now?" What will happen next? What will happen if I do nothing?"
You then, wish there's some map, compass, piece of fortune cookies and candy, whatever, to guide you through this life. You wish there's a really wise person beside you to tell you what to do next or what to act, properly. You wish there's just a clue and a miracle to survive this life without feeling afraid, scared, wondering what would happen next or what would happen if you went into the wrong path.
What if you fail? What if you keep falling and falling into the same hole, even tripped into a small rock? What will happen next?

The problem is, sometimes you think too much. Too much that it hurts. Too much that it releases pain. Too much that you cried yourself to sleep. Too much that you just can't stop.
And you ended up waiting, waiting, and waiting..
For something or someone that you don't even sure will come.

There are choices and different paths in life. We, each of us, are a human being. God created us for a reason. We are a part of this big machine called Earth and the Solar System. We are born to be something. To be a part of, at least. Life keeps going on. We have to create ourselves and find who we truly are. Ourselves.
So just stop over-think everything. Planning is important, but in the end, its the action that will count. Stop wishing your life to be perfect, it really ain't gonna be easy. Start figuring out what to do by yourself, stop thinking about other's people would react, just for a moment. Find your passion. Live your life to the fullest.
Tomorrow is a new day. Make your days count! Let's start by doing something productive and useful by the morning tomorrow. Don't forget to be grateful as you breathe, as you open your eyes and stepping your feet out of bed. We are here for a reason. :)

Even staring at him hurts.

:""

Hidup ini kadang gak adil. Kadang kita gak selalu mendapatkan apa yang kita inginkan. Kadang apa yang kita harapkan berbanding terbalik sama kenyataan. Sampai kadang, kita berharap untuk lari dari kenyataan dan pergi ke tempat, di mana semua berjalan seperti apa yang kita inginkan.
Aku pernah ada di titik itu. Aku pernah rasanya ingin pergi, jauh. Aku pernah ingin sembunyi di balik selimutku, atau di belakang pintu kamarku. Aku pernah rasanya ingin menyembunyikan wajahku di balik semua tatapan orang lain.
Aku pernah berpura-pura baik-baik saja. Berpura-pura tersenyum seakan tak ada yang terjadi. Berpura-pura tertawa seakan tak ada yang salah. Berpura-pura bicara, "Iya, tidak apa-apa kok" di saat orang lain ternyata mengecewakan.
Tapi rasanya, kali ini susah untuk menolak itu semua. Susah untuk membohongi diri, susah untuk mengingkari hati. Susah untuk mengucap kata yang tak direstui batin. Susah untuk membuat senyum yang tak direstui wajah. Lebih mudah mengeluarkan itu semua, mengeluarkan semua perasaan tak bahagia. Melalui bulir-bulir yang jatuh ini, yang kemudian membasahi pipi.
Crying won't help. Crying won't change.
But it will bring relief.
:")