Oh, just my thought(s).

So tonight went really thoughtful.
I was calling my friend and feeling happy since, but then, one of my friend greeted me and ask me what to do. He had this problem of moving on (while I also had it). My playlist shuffled into What Now by Rihanna.
The lyrics made me realize that there are times in life when you just feel down, depressed, and there's too many problems surrounding your messy head full of questions. Life just knocked you down like you're a piece of crumbled paper on the street, stepped by many-many people walking. But you can't do anything. You can't move, can't go out.
It's like you don't know what to do. And you keep saying, "What now?" What will happen next? What will happen if I do nothing?"
You then, wish there's some map, compass, piece of fortune cookies and candy, whatever, to guide you through this life. You wish there's a really wise person beside you to tell you what to do next or what to act, properly. You wish there's just a clue and a miracle to survive this life without feeling afraid, scared, wondering what would happen next or what would happen if you went into the wrong path.
What if you fail? What if you keep falling and falling into the same hole, even tripped into a small rock? What will happen next?

The problem is, sometimes you think too much. Too much that it hurts. Too much that it releases pain. Too much that you cried yourself to sleep. Too much that you just can't stop.
And you ended up waiting, waiting, and waiting..
For something or someone that you don't even sure will come.

There are choices and different paths in life. We, each of us, are a human being. God created us for a reason. We are a part of this big machine called Earth and the Solar System. We are born to be something. To be a part of, at least. Life keeps going on. We have to create ourselves and find who we truly are. Ourselves.
So just stop over-think everything. Planning is important, but in the end, its the action that will count. Stop wishing your life to be perfect, it really ain't gonna be easy. Start figuring out what to do by yourself, stop thinking about other's people would react, just for a moment. Find your passion. Live your life to the fullest.
Tomorrow is a new day. Make your days count! Let's start by doing something productive and useful by the morning tomorrow. Don't forget to be grateful as you breathe, as you open your eyes and stepping your feet out of bed. We are here for a reason. :)

Even staring at him hurts.

:""

Hidup ini kadang gak adil. Kadang kita gak selalu mendapatkan apa yang kita inginkan. Kadang apa yang kita harapkan berbanding terbalik sama kenyataan. Sampai kadang, kita berharap untuk lari dari kenyataan dan pergi ke tempat, di mana semua berjalan seperti apa yang kita inginkan.
Aku pernah ada di titik itu. Aku pernah rasanya ingin pergi, jauh. Aku pernah ingin sembunyi di balik selimutku, atau di belakang pintu kamarku. Aku pernah rasanya ingin menyembunyikan wajahku di balik semua tatapan orang lain.
Aku pernah berpura-pura baik-baik saja. Berpura-pura tersenyum seakan tak ada yang terjadi. Berpura-pura tertawa seakan tak ada yang salah. Berpura-pura bicara, "Iya, tidak apa-apa kok" di saat orang lain ternyata mengecewakan.
Tapi rasanya, kali ini susah untuk menolak itu semua. Susah untuk membohongi diri, susah untuk mengingkari hati. Susah untuk mengucap kata yang tak direstui batin. Susah untuk membuat senyum yang tak direstui wajah. Lebih mudah mengeluarkan itu semua, mengeluarkan semua perasaan tak bahagia. Melalui bulir-bulir yang jatuh ini, yang kemudian membasahi pipi.
Crying won't help. Crying won't change.
But it will bring relief.
:")

Berandai

Malam Senin ya.

Bukankah harusnya malam ini diisi dengan belajar, berberes, mengulang kembali semua yang didapat di sekolah, atau sekedar mempersiapkan diri untuk menghadapi esok?
Andai aku dapat melakukan semuanya.

Entah kenapa, aku ingin kembali ke dunia ini sejenak. Aku belum siap menghadapi dunia nyata lagi. Sesak rasanya, penuh, seperti dihimpit dalam bis pada jam pulang kantor, yang sesak karena puluhan orang yang tidak ingin mengalah. Dihimpit kanan, dihimpit kiri. Didesak depan maupun belakang. Panas, gerah. Aku tidak suka. Aku tidak nyaman.

Masuk ke dunia kata, rasanya seperti penyegaran dan pencerahan. Seperti jalan-jalan sore di sebuah taman sejuk, dibisiki pelan oleh angin yang lembut dan digoda oleh rumput yang halus. Seperti masuk ke dalam air dan mengetahui bahwa kamu bisa bernafas leluasa di dalamnya. Seperti bermimpi indah, saking indahnya sampai terus ingin terpejam. Rasanya seperti tidak ingin pergi kan?
Yah, aku juga seperti itu.

Aku tidak ingin pergi dulu, untuk sejenak ini. Berat rasanya untuk melangkah, walau hanya satu hentakan tipis. Goyah rasanya kaki ini, susah menapak. Ragu untuk mengambil jalan, takut untuk memilih tujuan.

Jadi, sekarang harus ke mana?

Andai hidup ini punya peta. Andai aku tahu harus kemana melangkah, harus bagaimana bertingkah. Andai dunia nyata tidak sekejam yang ada. Andai...ah.

Terlalu banyak andai di kepala.

:)

harus apa sekarang? entah, tak ada tujuan, tak ada kewajiban.

harus kemana sekarang? entah, tak ada tambatan, tak ada pijakan.

harus bersama siapa sekarang? entah, tak ada bahu bersandar, tak ada batang penyangga. 

Rainy Monday

Hujan sore ini seolah menumpahkan segala pikiranku. Segala kerinduan, segala harapan, segala keinginan yang belum pula terjamahi.

Entah ini hanya aku, tapi aku merasa hujan ini datang untukku. Seolah ia mengerti apa yang kudamba. Suasana tenang seperti ini, suara yang pelan namun konstan, seolah bertempo dengan dinamika sempurna.

Aku duduk di sisi jendela mobil, memandang ke langit yang makin lama makin kelabu. Seperti naluri, rasanya aku ingin menjulurkan tanganku ke luar, merasakan tetes-tetes air menjalari telapak tanganku.

EH TIBA TIBA ABIS NULIS GINIAN AKU KEPELESET. :)

Jadi, harus disyukuri atau disesali hujan kali ini? 

I just.....hm.

Hi.

Honestly I'm really tired.

I'm tired of trying soooo hard and thinking that I've done my best but it still wasn't good enough.

I'm tired of staying awake at nights, thinking what would happen tomorrow if I fail (again) and what should I do to fix it.

I'm tired of doing something that I'm not good at, and thinking that I should quit but the problem isn't as simple as it seems.

I'm tired of many times saying "I wanna runaway" but knowing that I really couldn't. 

I'm tired of waiting for miracle to come after me and make my life as simple as it used to be.

And the truth is, I know that I shouldn't overthink about all these things but I just can't help myself.

I just need someone, to talk to. Anyone. I miss having a reaaaaal best friend beside me, doing the same thing together.

I guess I'll be back again, writing, posting, publishing. I know I'll never get tired of this. And I hope you (yeah, whoever read this) won't be bothered to read the same thing all over again. 

Sincerely,

L

Seolah alam pun mengiyakan, angin membawa pergi kenanganmu, kenanganku. Kenangan kita.