Having my skills back (hooray!)

It's weird and awkward how you met someone who used to be so close to you, how you looked at his/her eyes and found that you were looking at some stranger that you don't even know.
It's weird how things could change so fast, and how our mindsets could turn into the opposite of we used to be. I found it normal, but excitingly overwhelming.

That was just a thing that came to my mind on this fine evening. Well I now I'm gonna write about inspiration.
These days I've been searching and searching for someone or some thing that would give me something to write about (well as you can see recently I posted 2 posts but the truth is, the 2 of them were in my unpublished posts and I found it good enough to post hehe). I realised that I couldn't write. I didn't even know how to. I didn't even know what to begin and my mind didn't seem to help me either. Well this is a bad thing for me because I used to have so much things to wrote that I even forgot to because there's too many and I can't always instantly write that down.
I tried to write but I found my writing uninteresting and super duper boring and cliche thing and puff! I deleted it. I started feel like "wow my writing skills just decreased" and I felt like "hm what am I gonna do next"...
So after few days of floating (my mind felt like floating somehow), now I found the answer. The answer is, I don't need a big idea or a big inspiration like an invention or something. When I write, I just write. Even I don't really sure what is exactly I'm typing right now. But I guess when we write, our brains started to work and find any words that would make a meaning. I mean, our brain will start to figure out what the next word would be, and the next word after that, and the next after that, and so on.

If maybe this thing didn't work out for you (well it didn't work out for me before either), try to do something different in your life. Example: I'm currently writing with all my lights off, no sun and no light source. And I just came back from a walk, a refreshing one.
Maybe if you felt the same way as I was before, if you couldn't write anything or felt like your writing skills just decreased OR any other things that maybe similar....
You should take a walk.
Take your time.
Take a breath.
Just give some time for your brain to rest and feel a happy mood.
Then you came back and turn the lights off and start to write.

Ok then, bye!
well maybe you shouldn't turn the lights off. Cause now I feel kinda scared.
xx

Aku Ingat.

Aku mengingatnya.

Aku mengingat tubuh besar dan langkah kakinya.

Aku mengingat bagaimana aku tidak menyadari tinggi badannya yang terus bertambah.

Aku mengingat setiap nada yang ia mainkan saat jam istirahat.

Aku mengingat setiap petikan oleh jari-jarinya yang gemetar di atas senar yang melintang.

Aku mengingat jari-jari yang seakan menari di atas piano hitam-putih.

Aku mengingat setiap pejaman sebelah matanya menjelang akhir lagu yang ia mainkan.

Aku mengingat senyumnya yang hangat, setiap aku datang meminta bantuan.

Aku mengingat tawanya yang gembira, diikuti matanya yang menyipit, setiap ada hal konyol.

Aku mengingat wajah seriusnya di saat ia berpikir.

Aku mengingat bagaimana ia selalu membuatku tersenyum di setiap kehadirannya.

Aku mengingat perkataannya yang membuatku tertawa.

Aku mengingat cerita-cerita sedihnya yang membuatku terdiam.

Aku mengingat matanya yang seringkali melongo, melamun ke samping,

Aku mengingat bagaimana aku selalu bertanya-tanya, apa yang sedang ia pikirkan.

Aku mengingat sepasang sepatu putihnya, yang selalu ia pakai.

Aku mengingat bagaimana sepatu itu berubah usang setiap harinya.

Dan aku mengingat bagaimana aku benci melihatnya memakai sepatu lain.

Dan kemudian, aku mengingat bagaimana akhirnya sepatu itu digantikan juga.

Tapi aku juga mengingat seberapa patah hatinya.

Seberapa lama ia menunggu untuk orang itu,

Seberapa lama ia pendam perasaannya,

Seberapa lama ia sembunyikan itu semua,

Seberapa lama ia tersenyum untuk menutupinya.

Atau kemudian, seiring waktu berjalan,

Aku mengingat seberapa lama mereka tertawa bersama,

Seberapa lama senyum aslinya bertahan,

Seberapa lama semuanya terasa indah,

Dan seberapa cepat waktu merenggut itu semua.

Aku tidak peduli kapan kisah ini akan berakhir,

Aku pun tidak tahu bagaimana kisah ini berawal.

Aku tidak akan membiarkan ia tahu,

Aku tidak akan pula melakukan apa-apa.

Jika ada orang yang bertanya,

Jika datang waktunya padaku untuk menjawab,

Aku akan menjawab,

“Aku mengingatnya.”

Oh, just my thought(s).

So tonight went really thoughtful.
I was calling my friend and feeling happy since, but then, one of my friend greeted me and ask me what to do. He had this problem of moving on (while I also had it). My playlist shuffled into What Now by Rihanna.
The lyrics made me realize that there are times in life when you just feel down, depressed, and there's too many problems surrounding your messy head full of questions. Life just knocked you down like you're a piece of crumbled paper on the street, stepped by many-many people walking. But you can't do anything. You can't move, can't go out.
It's like you don't know what to do. And you keep saying, "What now?" What will happen next? What will happen if I do nothing?"
You then, wish there's some map, compass, piece of fortune cookies and candy, whatever, to guide you through this life. You wish there's a really wise person beside you to tell you what to do next or what to act, properly. You wish there's just a clue and a miracle to survive this life without feeling afraid, scared, wondering what would happen next or what would happen if you went into the wrong path.
What if you fail? What if you keep falling and falling into the same hole, even tripped into a small rock? What will happen next?

The problem is, sometimes you think too much. Too much that it hurts. Too much that it releases pain. Too much that you cried yourself to sleep. Too much that you just can't stop.
And you ended up waiting, waiting, and waiting..
For something or someone that you don't even sure will come.

There are choices and different paths in life. We, each of us, are a human being. God created us for a reason. We are a part of this big machine called Earth and the Solar System. We are born to be something. To be a part of, at least. Life keeps going on. We have to create ourselves and find who we truly are. Ourselves.
So just stop over-think everything. Planning is important, but in the end, its the action that will count. Stop wishing your life to be perfect, it really ain't gonna be easy. Start figuring out what to do by yourself, stop thinking about other's people would react, just for a moment. Find your passion. Live your life to the fullest.
Tomorrow is a new day. Make your days count! Let's start by doing something productive and useful by the morning tomorrow. Don't forget to be grateful as you breathe, as you open your eyes and stepping your feet out of bed. We are here for a reason. :)

Even staring at him hurts.

:""

Hidup ini kadang gak adil. Kadang kita gak selalu mendapatkan apa yang kita inginkan. Kadang apa yang kita harapkan berbanding terbalik sama kenyataan. Sampai kadang, kita berharap untuk lari dari kenyataan dan pergi ke tempat, di mana semua berjalan seperti apa yang kita inginkan.
Aku pernah ada di titik itu. Aku pernah rasanya ingin pergi, jauh. Aku pernah ingin sembunyi di balik selimutku, atau di belakang pintu kamarku. Aku pernah rasanya ingin menyembunyikan wajahku di balik semua tatapan orang lain.
Aku pernah berpura-pura baik-baik saja. Berpura-pura tersenyum seakan tak ada yang terjadi. Berpura-pura tertawa seakan tak ada yang salah. Berpura-pura bicara, "Iya, tidak apa-apa kok" di saat orang lain ternyata mengecewakan.
Tapi rasanya, kali ini susah untuk menolak itu semua. Susah untuk membohongi diri, susah untuk mengingkari hati. Susah untuk mengucap kata yang tak direstui batin. Susah untuk membuat senyum yang tak direstui wajah. Lebih mudah mengeluarkan itu semua, mengeluarkan semua perasaan tak bahagia. Melalui bulir-bulir yang jatuh ini, yang kemudian membasahi pipi.
Crying won't help. Crying won't change.
But it will bring relief.
:")

Berandai

Malam Senin ya.

Bukankah harusnya malam ini diisi dengan belajar, berberes, mengulang kembali semua yang didapat di sekolah, atau sekedar mempersiapkan diri untuk menghadapi esok?
Andai aku dapat melakukan semuanya.

Entah kenapa, aku ingin kembali ke dunia ini sejenak. Aku belum siap menghadapi dunia nyata lagi. Sesak rasanya, penuh, seperti dihimpit dalam bis pada jam pulang kantor, yang sesak karena puluhan orang yang tidak ingin mengalah. Dihimpit kanan, dihimpit kiri. Didesak depan maupun belakang. Panas, gerah. Aku tidak suka. Aku tidak nyaman.

Masuk ke dunia kata, rasanya seperti penyegaran dan pencerahan. Seperti jalan-jalan sore di sebuah taman sejuk, dibisiki pelan oleh angin yang lembut dan digoda oleh rumput yang halus. Seperti masuk ke dalam air dan mengetahui bahwa kamu bisa bernafas leluasa di dalamnya. Seperti bermimpi indah, saking indahnya sampai terus ingin terpejam. Rasanya seperti tidak ingin pergi kan?
Yah, aku juga seperti itu.

Aku tidak ingin pergi dulu, untuk sejenak ini. Berat rasanya untuk melangkah, walau hanya satu hentakan tipis. Goyah rasanya kaki ini, susah menapak. Ragu untuk mengambil jalan, takut untuk memilih tujuan.

Jadi, sekarang harus ke mana?

Andai hidup ini punya peta. Andai aku tahu harus kemana melangkah, harus bagaimana bertingkah. Andai dunia nyata tidak sekejam yang ada. Andai...ah.

Terlalu banyak andai di kepala.

:)

harus apa sekarang? entah, tak ada tujuan, tak ada kewajiban.

harus kemana sekarang? entah, tak ada tambatan, tak ada pijakan.

harus bersama siapa sekarang? entah, tak ada bahu bersandar, tak ada batang penyangga.